Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Alf's Imperial Army saves Oamaru and the Earth

Thanks to all who wrote with their concern; we are all okay. No one in our family was hurt in the battle, although we personally witnessed the now infamous, interstellar conflict that raged on the shores of Oamaru's Friendly Bay. Luckily, I had my camera with me.

When the Martians first arrived, no one suspected that they intended to hurt anyone, although their rather tiresome chanting of "Red planet good, blue planet bad," and "We come in peace, prepare to die!" made some people a tad bit uneasy. Nevertheless, there was hope throughout town that they had truly come in peace and the locals would be able to trade "good Otago lard." It wasn't until the Martians called a meeting with our town's military battalion, Alf's Imperial Army, that their true intentions were made clear.

Shortly after Colonel Catford first approached the leader of the Martians, an argument broke out. It wasn't clear from where I was standing who threw the first insult, but soon the Colonel's short temper was inflamed, and he called for an air strike.

The Martians repelled the attack by using ingenious weaponry, never before seen on this planet: a thin membrane in the form of a spheroid, containing within it a liquid of unspeakable wetness.

Alf's Imperial Army responded in kind, using flour bombs that seemed to counteract the effects of the Martian weapons. Still the onslaught continued.

Soon, the most disgusting weapon ever devised by man was summoned to the battlefront: Horrible Horace the Spaghetti Cannon.

Sensing that they needed reinforcements, Colonel Catford called in the reinforced cardboard reinforcements, and also the Wizard of New Zealand and a small yellow cavalry pony named Binky. A band of pirates joined in the fray.
The Wizard blessed the Army, and issued a curse on the scangey mongrels of mayhem, the Martians.

The courage and stamina of our fearless troops cannot be described.

In the face of such carnage, Alf's Imperial Army gathered the strength to perform the dreaded "Riverdance charge," which unleashed such chaos that the battle seemed surely won.

It probably would have ended there, had it not been three o'clock, time for tea. The officers called for a ten-minute break.
After tea and biscuits, the Martians demanded that the Earthlings bring forth their "champion," to fight the most fearsome, viscious, and cruel-hearted Martian warrior. When our brave champion pulled out the Secret Weapon (notice the fluffy slipper in his right hand,) an intensive bottom-paddling session ensued, until both champions fell to the ground, dead.

This enraged the Martians! They drew their death-ray guns, and the ensuing fight was ridiculously violent.

Before long, all three leaders of the Martians were on the ground. Alf's Imperial Army had prevailed, and the Earth was saved!

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."
--King Arthur, 1975

"I don't know if we should live in this town. It is a silly place."
--Gail, 12/31/2007


Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,
your photos of the Martian battle are excellent. May we use the shrunken down versions thereof for the Alf's Army website and bulletin board? I can send you the links for them if you wish.
Many thanks,
Captain Lynch Growler,
1st Canterbury light Infantry,
Alf's imperial Army

grogan said...

I don't believe your photos and commentary do justice to the Martian victory! Red planet GOOD
Grogan McGillicuddy

ad7am said...

Holy smokes! How could you possibly top that 2007 Holiday YIR? Enroll the whole town in an incredible display of extreme silliness, of course...

Martians! Ha! Love it. And yes, Thou art God. But are you sure the town wasn't simply reenacting the Shermans landing on their shores?


Miss y'all terribly...

Adam, Gayle & Jack (JackOfHearts2007 on Flickr)

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